Last night I don’t know what the hell happened. I started reading Fifty Shades Darker with a light heart and as I turn the pages on I started to feel butterflies in my stomach. I stopped when I finished chapter three. I feel really tired and sleepy (I ironed our clothes too, forgot to mention) but I don’t know why my head is shifting to different kinds of craps. I hate it when that happens. I don’t know which one to focus. I tried reading The Bible and found something to ease away the ambivalence. I got up to drink a glass of milk thinking that would help. Got back to my room and switched off the lights, tried finding a position I’m gonna be comfortable sleeping with. 

I just can’t. I keep on thinking about him. How is he doing? I have so many questions.. like why did he chose to move away? Why he didn’t gave ‘us’ the chance? Is it really just sex for him? It keeps on pouring my head and I break down… no, not into crying but I  can feel something heavy in my chest that I can’t move, eyes wide open at the dark ceiling, my feet are tingling with coldness…numb even. I don’t know, he’s being a ghost in my head or feels like it. 

I keep on turning left and right hugging pillow on each side. I was so scared I find it really difficult to breathe. I’m still wondering why I’m not shedding tears. It puzzles me because I remember the last heartbreak I experienced it took me six months to cry so hard and the next morning I forget everything I’ve been through. I think I’ll be waiting for that time to come. I needed that. Right now this situation is driving me insane. 

Nobody said it was easy… No one ever said it would be this hard.